I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Your penis caused this!
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