i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
