I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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