Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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