dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
