I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize