I wish my penis had an off switch
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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