How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
