I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
