I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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