I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
