We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
