I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
