Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
