You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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