I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
