I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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