farters have to be the big spoon...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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