I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She swung at the pinata with crutches
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
