yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize