Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
