we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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