got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
