She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
