I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
