I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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