I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
