Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
