when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
