I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I AM VODKA MAN
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
