Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
