I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
