What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
