you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
