i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
