Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
