u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
