you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I smell like Dick and happiness
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
