Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
