I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
