I heard we made out
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
