Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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