i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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