I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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