Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
