guys are not supposed to queef...right?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
