it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
