I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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