Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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