I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Farmville is her only friend.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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