I think im going to throw up on grandma
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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