Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
