I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
