textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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