I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
