i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
