if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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