So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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