WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
