How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
God, I missed his penis.
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